So yes, this month, October, is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. And it is still October (barely). It’s a hard thing to be so vulnerable about being a very deep and personal issue for me. And even then, I know my pregnancy losses do not compare to those that I know oh so well who have held an infant in their arms and lost them. But I will share a bit about my story. Miscarriage sucks. And in my tale we are beyond the stats if you have read or seen the phrase “1 in 4” it means there is 1 pregnancy loss to 4 total pregnancies. Even this phrase “I am 1 in 4” is not accurate for me, sadly, I am 3 in 4. We have had 2 miscarriages before Avinelle and 1 after, the most recent one being in April of this year. I think a lot of people know about our first two miscarriages but maybe not about the one occurring this year. It’s sad and hard to talk about. And honestly, if you haven’t gone through it, you don’t really know and you don’t really understand. And a very brutal word of advice- if you talk with someone who has experienced this type of loss, just say “I’m sorry”. Any other “explanations” or “words of comfort” are not very helpful (especially in the moment) and will be hard for those receiving to take. Explaining away the baby, giving a “Godly” answer, or even talking about how they are angels in Heaven are not helpful conversations. I know you mean well, you really do, and if you are thinking “oh my gosh, have ever said that to Charity or SO and SO when they miscarried?” don’t freak out, I (and I am sure they) are over it by now. Just empathize with us, and agree that it is just plain terrible.
Now, I don’t know why I miscarry. We have checked into the “why” a little bit but unless we want to pursue a fertility specialist which can be a) quite expensive and b) most likely invasive, then we don’t want to go that direction. So we don’t have answers. Those are the circumstances.
With each baby we have lost, we have named them either a Greek or Hebrew name. This helped bring peace and healing to our hearts to name our precious Baby that we cannot hold here on earth but we know we will meet in Heaven one day. Our first Baby we named “Mikro Thavma” which means Little Miracle in Greek. At this point we had been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half and he was our miracle! (We don’t know the gender but this is my feeling). And our second baby we named “Qavah” which means “they that wait” in Hebrew and is from the verse “they that wait on the Lord”… a sense of expectation that God will fulfill His promises of children to us, even in the midst of losing our girl. (Also, just my feeling on the gender) God brought Avinelle along in June of 2015 and she is our joy and we are so thankful to have her! Now in June of 2016 I decided to get a tattoo with the names of the babies we lost. I have never in my life really desired a tattoo but it just felt right. When it came to actually doing it, I went in March of this year (it took awhile to make sure I liked the design Andrew created and to check the accuracy of the “spelling” since they are foreign languages). So I went with the foot as for the location. And you can see here the final product.
The reason why I went with the foot as the location is that I came to the conclusion that since feet represent going, that I carry my Babies with me wherever I go, at least the memory of them, and walking through miscarriages is a huge part of my story and my relationship with God and how He has ministered to me in this area over the years. And I want people to know about our loss and my story… because then I always point people to God in talking about our miscarriages and His healing and His promises He has brought and continues to bring. Andrew and I believe we will have more children, and I actually will add another name to my tattoo next time we are Stateside once we finalize the name of the Baby we lost in April. And I hope I never have to add another one again. But I believe so strongly in who God is and what He will do for us that I will not waver. Yes, I get sad at times and I do struggle with our losses, but I try my best to dwell on His promises instead. My miscarriages do not define me, but they have helped shape who I am today and who I am continually growing to be- a child of God, His daughter, that trusts in Him with my whole heart.